I just can’t understand how someone can be so concerned with pleasing God and still fail so miserably.

It seems like whatever I do is wrong. It doesn’t seem like I’m getting any closer to holiness. I’m still fighting the same old demons: the O.C.D., the anger, the selfishness, the pride, the seemingly everything.

I guess some people (like Jo) think I’m very critical of them, but that’s nothing compared to how critical I am of myself. I pray that God will make me perfectly holy without any stain, blemish, or anything that even remotely resembles sin. I hope He does that right now as I’m writing this and I remain holy forever, without exception.

That’s what I want more than anything.

I want God to wash me perfectly clean like a freshly baptized person, and I want to be totally forgiven of my sins and of any punishment due to sin. I want God to totally guide me in everything I do.

I don’t want free will. I want God’s will to be my will.

I don’t want to cuss, be angry, be impatient, be selfish, be hurtful, be unkind, be arrogant. I want to love everyone and everyone love me.

God is love. No love = no God.

I want every morsel of my molecules to be love.

It seems as if my patron saint was the perfect fit because he is who I am least like, but also who I really need to be like.

But I seem to run from these things. Sometimes I think God is trying to force me toward John of the Cross, the Brown Scapular, and the Crucifix. And I seem to shy away from all of them sometimes.

Perhaps it’s fear. I don’t feel like I really know what God wants. More often than not, I feel like He wants me to sincerely try to be like John of the Cross. I think He wants me to be as much like him as I can possibly be in my state of life. This would probably require me to study the Crucifix intensely and to wear the Brown Scapular that I’ve been vested with.

In my heart, I want holiness, but I seem to be fighting something bigger than me. Maybe that’s Satan.

God, I need you to clear the way for me to serve you completely and faithfully as a Catholic, father, and husband. I love my wife and kids and truly desire to be the best husband and father for them. I want to be sweet, gentle, kind, loving, honorable, understanding, patient, and considerate. I want to be a great listener. I want to be a person in tune with everyone else’s needs and concerns.

“He must increase. I must decrease.”

God, please hear my cries. Please do not let me continue to disappoint You and my family. Please pour me right now into the mold of the perfect saint, Mary. I want all my prayers and hopes and dreams to go through her to Jesus to God. I want all that I am to go through Mary. Please do not let me sin anymore. God, please let me bask in your sunlight forever as the model Catholic, husband, father, worker, servant, and friend. Please hear my cries, in the name of Jesus through Your beautiful example of holiness, Mary. I love you God.

It’s so easy for me to get stuck in a certain spiritual place.

Work is really hard. So many people cursing and being mean and talking about each other. I have fallen into that trap so many times. With God’s help, I won’t sin anymore (not even at that seemingly God-forsaken prison). I have to be perfectly holy starting now and never ending.

I am grateful for Mary’s guidance. She used the rosary to guide me to the Church. It’s time to remove this empty cross and to wear my rosary and Scapular. I will also carry my beautiful Tiger’s Eye rosary that Jo gave me. That rosary is my favorite ever, but I also love the other one, the Lapis Lazuli, that Jo gave me. It has the Scapular attached to it. That rosary and I have been through an awful lot together.

I believe God desires me to be as much like John of the Cross as I can possibly be, so I will wear my Lapis rosary with Brown Scapular attached and live as much like John as I can by practicing Carmelite spirituality. I will have my special Tiger’s Eye rosary to pray with. I need that Crucifix to look at and meditate upon because Jesus is the perfect example of selflessness and sacrifice for others.

Nothing says Catholic like the rosary , the Brown Scapular, and the Crucifix. I am Catholic to my very core. I would very willingly die for my beliefs in the truth.

John of the Cross, please make me like you as much as is possible and make me truly worthy to call you my patron saint and worthy to be your namesake. Please enable me and make me wear the Carmelite Brown Scapular forever and to carry my Tiger’s Eye rosary forever. Please, through your intercession with God, make this happen and don’t let me ever consider any other options and be tempted by Satan. I also want to wear my Wedding Ring forever to show my love for my beautiful wife. Please!!

Kevin R. Hawke (John of the Cross)
January 23, 2012

Photo courtesy of the rosary’s creator at Heartfelt Rosaries.